Oh My Emmett
by TwiHard24
Summary: A collection of HILARIOUS Emmett one shots. So far includes: Emmett's Idea and Girl Scout Cookies. What happens when Emmett experiments with vampire venom? What about when he helps Nessie sell the most cookies in Girl Scouts! Find out! More coming!
1. Emmett's Idea

**Hola people of Earth. I hope you like this wonderful one shot and maybe if you like it I'll make this a series of one shots. Just helping me with my writer's block. Enjoy!**

**I don't own anything. Well, I **_**do **_**own Herman I guess…**

Emmett's Idea

One boring day at the Cullen house, Emmett got an idea. A brilliant, but possibly disastrous, idea.

"Emmett!" Edward called from inside.

"Shit," Emmett muttered before flitting in the house. "What?" he asked.

"Don't do it," Edward said sternly.

"Do what?" Emmett asked innocently.

"I know what you're thinking Emmett and it's a bad idea. Carlisle wouldn't want you to do it," Edward said.

"Carly's not here," Emmett said childishly.

"You know he hates it when you call him that," Edward pointed out.

"Whatever, I won't do anything bad," Emmett said.

"Then why are you reciting the alphabet in Pig Latin?" Edward asked with a smirk.

"Because it's a cool language!" Emmett yelled before running out of the house and into the woods behind the house. He just had to find the perfect…there! He ran up and caught it in his grasp before it could run away. "Sorry about this little guy," Emmett muttered before sinking his teeth into it's fuzzy brown fur.

………………………………................................................................................................

"You did it, didn't you?" Edward accused as Emmett walked back in.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Emmett said coolly as he sat on the couch.

"I can smell it on you!" Edward exclaimed.

"No you can't," Emmett said.

"Yes. I can," Edward assured him.

"My hunting preferences have nothing to do with you," Emmett said, folding his arms and turning away from him.

"You better destroy that thing it's too late. I don't want it anywhere near Nessie or Bella," he said. "_Before _everyone comes back from their hunting trip," he added sternly.

"I can't kill Herman!" Emmett exclaimed.

"You _named _it?" Edward asked.

"Herman is not an _it._ He's a _squirrel_," Emmett said dubiously.

Edward groaned and put his face in his hands. "Where did you put it?" he asked, sounding defeated.

"I tied him to a rock," Emmett said smiling.

"That'll work for now but where are you going to put it when the change is complete?" he asked.

"Hm. I forget about that part…," Emmett trailed off. "How long do you think the change will take?"

"Not very long-he doesn't have that much blood," Edward said. "You should probably make a cage or something," he suggested.

Emmett jumped off the couch. "I'll be right back!" he said before running out of the room.

"Oh no," Edward muttered to himself.

………………………………................................................................................................

"Done!" Emmett said as he walked back in, hands behind his back. You could hear faint whimpering and tiny claws scratching against something behind him.

"What did you _do_?" Edward asked.

"I made a cage," Emmett said triumphantly, holding out what looked like a pot and a pan welded together.

Edward looked at him incredulously. "You actually think that's going to work?" he asked.

"Sure, why not?" Emmett asked, setting it down on the coffee table.

"Whey not? Well for starters: there's no air holes," Edward said with a smirk. **(Just so you remember-they still have to breath and keep their heart beating during the change. Okay, continue****J****) **

Emmett gasped and snatched up the 'cage' before flitting out of the house again.

………………………………................................................................................................

"Okay," Emmett said, coming back in the house and setting the box back down. "_Now_ it's done," he said confidently.

"What are you going to do once it transforms?" Edward asked.

"I'm not sure," Emmett shrugged, looking at the cage thoughtfully.

"You know it'll be able to break right out of there, right?" Edward asked.

"He will?" Emmett deadpanned.

"Yeah. He'll be just as strong and fast as the rest of us-it this even works," Edward added.

"Oh yeah…," Emmett said thoughtfully. "Maybe I could transform a bunch, race them for a while, then train them in combat and take over the world!" Emmett exclaimed excitedly.

"No," Edward said.

"You ruin all my fun," Emmett muttered.

………………………………................................................................................................

TWO HOURS LATER

"Emmett has something he wants to tell you guys," Edward said as everyone walked in, finally back from their hunting trip.

Emmett glared at Edward. "I, uh…well you see…," Emmett stuttered nervously; trying to figure out exactly how to tell them.

"What is it Emmett?" Esme asked.

"How about I just show you," he suggested.

"Show us _what_?" Carlisle asked. "You didn't try building an ostrich farm again, did you?" Carlisle asked quickly.

Emmett rolled his eyes. "It was an _emu_ farm-and no-I didn't," he said.

"You tried to build and emu farm?" Bella asked with raised eyebrows.

"He's done worse," Rosalie muttered as she held Nessie who looked like a six year old by now.

"_Anyway_, follow me," he said leading everyone out the back door.

Alice suddenly gasped. "Emmett, you are _suck _an idiot!" she exclaimed.

"Hey! You cheated! It was _supposed _to be a surprise," he said.

"Oh, they'll be surprised alright," Alice muttered.

"Shut your yap and follow me," Emmett said as he lead them out to the back yard and to a tree that he tied the cage to.

"What is _that_?" Rosalie asked, looking at the cage with a confused expression that matched everyone else's.

"Are those my pot and pan?" Esme asked in slightly angry tone.

Emmett gave her a sheepish smile. "We never use them," he said.

"What is it Emmett?" Jasper asked, looking at the box with a raised eyebrow.

Emmett grinned and held up one finger before going over to the cage and picking it up. His eyes widened as he found a huge hole going through the side of it. "Uh oh," he muttered.

"Oh my God Emmett," Edward said, reading his mind.

"What is going on here?" Rosalie asked, clearly ticked because she had no idea what everyone was talking about.

"Emmett transformed a squirrel and it got away," Edward said.

"Traitor," Emmett muttered.

"You changed a _squirrel_?!" Carlisle exclaimed. "Emmett, it won't have any control at all. How could do that?" he asked.

"I don't know. You know I don't think things through-well at least Edward does," he said.

"You guys, we have to find it. Now," Bella said.

"I suppose that is the most important thing now. We'll have to follow the scent," Carlisle said.

"Nessie can't go, she's got human blood and it might attack her," Bella said.

"I'll stay with her," Esme said, taking her out of Rosalie's arms. "Be careful," she said before flitting back into the house.

"Let's go," Carlisle said, leading the way as they followed the trail. About two minutes later they came to the baseball clearing. "Do you see it?" he asked quietly.

"There!" Emmett yelled, pointing to a spot at about where their second base was set up. A small brown darted a few yards away before turning back to look at them.

"Emmett, be quiet. You're scaring it," Jasper muttered.

"His name is Herman," Emmett grumbled back. Jasper just rolled his eyes.

"Shut up Emmett," Rosalie muttered exasperatedly.

"Okay, we're just going to slowly approach it. When I give the signal, we'll grab it," Jasper said quietly.

"What's the signal?" Emmett asked in his normal tone of voice-which was pretty loud.

"Shh!" they all hissed.

"Sorry, sorry," Emmett whispered back as they slowly crept toward the squirrel.

"Be careful Bella," Edward whispered, Bella just nodded back.

"Oh please, she's still a newborn," Emmett muttered, rolling his eyes. Bella shot him a grateful smile, glad someone had faith in her. Edward just shot him a glare.

"Okay. One…two…three!" Jasper said and the Cullens all immediately tackled the squirrel.

Emmett got his hands around him first but dropped him almost instantly. "Ow! Herman bit me!" he exclaimed, shaking his hand.

"Who cares! Catch that squirrel!" Alice said as she ran after it.

Then, it was chaos. Alice managed to grab it but it wriggled out of her grasp and jumped on her head. She let out a squeal before slapping it off, sending it from first base to third-roughly a quarter mile away. Jasper and Carlisle ran at it from different sides and ended up barreling into each other, sounding like thunder as they slammed together. Edward bolted after it, but just as he was about to snatch it up, the squirrel stopped and turned around. Edward, who had gained so much momentum, couldn't even stop fast enough and ran right through a tree. Emmett ran up behind it and, instead of grabbing it and killing it, he kicked it down the field with a giant grin on his face.

"What the hell Emmett?" Rosalie yelled as she ran after the squirrel.

"That's what he gets for biting me!" Emmett yelled triumphantly back.

"Ugh. I've had enough," Bella said running straight it and ran right over it, crushing the granite like squirrel with her foot. "Someone throw me a lighter," she commanded as everyone stared at her, completely dumbfounded.

Alice reached into her pocket and threw a purple lighter to Bella who caught it easily and lit the small pile of dust that was laying on the ground. The disgusting smell of burning vampire squirrel wafted in the air as some purple smoke slithered above the pile of ashes.

"You killed Herman," Emmett deadpanned.

"You killed him first," Bella countered.

"Touché."

**Ha ha. How did you like it? Do you want more?? My next idea for an awesome Emmett one shot is Girl Scout Cookies. **

**Summary: Nessie joins girl scouts and when her troop starts to sell cookies she wants the prize that goes to the girl who sells the most. Who would be better to help her than her Uncle Emmett? **


	2. Girl Scout Cookies

**Since you all responded so nicely-and I'm still having a bit of a writer's block-I'll give you some cookies. Girl Scout Cookies.**

**I don't own nothing…damn!**

**Okay, I just found this song-Girl Scout Cookies by Ted Nugent-go listen to it. It's so funny. Ah, just do it. You'll laugh. For some reason I think of Emmett when I listen to it….**

Girl Scout Cookies

It was a Monday. _The _Monday for one specific member of the Cullen family. Today was Nessie's first Girl Scout meeting-and she was bouncing around more than Alice before a shopping trip.

It's not just the fact that she got to interact with kids her 'age,' it was the fact that this was one of her first tests in the human world. She had to resist the call of blood, act weaker, and slower, all the while trying to make friends with a group of eight year old girls.

When the meeting was over she practically skipped back into the Cullen mansion, with Bella walking in behind her with a smile on her face. Nessie's eyes darted quickly around the room and rested on just the person-vampire-she was looking for: Uncle Emmett.

"Emmett!" she yelled as she jumped on top of him.

"What do you need kiddo?" he asked grinning at her.

"Well, we're selling Girl Scout cookies and I was wondering if you'd help me sell them," she asked hopefully, making her eyes-Bella's eyes-wide with innocence as she looked at Emmett pleadingly.

He wrinkled his nose. "Ew," he said. "Sure, I'll help you," he said grinning.

"Will you help me _win_?" she asked.

"Why do you want to win?" he asked curiously-not that he didn't mind the competition. He could so crush everybody.

"I want to win that bike-and because this girl, Daniel, was making fun of me. She thought I couldn't hear her but…," Nessie trailed off, looking away so her uncle wouldn't be able to see how sad that made her.

Emmett's eyes narrowed as he thought about this Daniel girl. "She's going down," he muttered.

Nessie smiled brightly and gave him a hug. "Thank you Uncle Emmett!" she said happily.

"Wait a second, why do you need a bike?" he asked confused. She already has like, five.

"Because, Daniel wants that bike," she said grinning.

Emmett smiled proudly. _More like me every day_, he thought to himself. Edward snorted in the corner of the room and Emmett shot him a glare. "When do we start?" Emmett asked.

"Tomorrow. We have to pick out a spot to sell the cookies and stay there for a while," she said. Emmett nodded. This will be interesting…

………………………………................................................................................................

"And our table," Emmett said, inserting a dramatic pause, "is finished." He looked proudly at their table that stood in front of Fork's Wal-Mart. They had a green table cloth and the cookies were all stacked up like a pyramid. They were _so _going to win.

"It looks great," Nessie said happily before sitting down on one of the chairs they brought. Emmett sat next to her and leaned back.

"Hello, what are you guys selling?" a women said smiling kindly at them as she walked toward their table.

"I'm selling Girl Scout cookies-and that's my Uncle Emmett, he's helping me," Nessie said brightly.

The women smiled widely at them. "And how much do these cookies cost?" she asked, taking her purse and pulling out her wallet.

"Two fifty a box," Nessie answered instantly.

"Well then, I'll have to buy two boxes of thin mints please," she said, taking out a couple bills from her pocket.

Nessie grabbed the boxes and handed her two of them as the women set the money down on the table. "Thank you!" Nessie said, putting the money carefully in an envelope.

"Your welcome, good luck selling," she said before heading into the store.

"This is too easy," Nessie said leaning back in her chair.

"With my awesomeness, and your cuteness, we've got this in the bag," Emmett said smugly.

"What are _you_ doing here?" a girl's voice asked.

Nessie and Emmett looked up to find a girl with short red hair glaring at Nessie and Emmett as two other girls with brown hair stood behind her, identical expressions of irritation on their faces.

"That's Daniel," Nessie whispered. Emmett let out a low growl. That little candy cane's been messing with _his _niece. "Shh," Nessie hissed. "We're selling cookies," Nessie said to them.

"Well this is _our _spot," Daniel sneered, jabbing her thumb at a table on the other side of the door.

"We were here first," Emmett said.

"And who are _you_?" she shot at him.

"I'm Nessie's uncle," Emmett said evenly.

"_Why _are you here?" she asked irritated.

"To help win that bike for my niece," he answered, narrowing his eyes at the little girl.

The girl walked up to their booth with a sneer on her face and her friends following behind her. "Nice pyramid," she said before turning to walk toward her booth. Her foot 'accidentally' caught on the leg of the table and the pyramid of cookie boxes tumble to the ground while Emmett and Nessie fought their reflexes to remain humanlike. "Whoops. Sorry," she said with a smirk as she and her giggling friends continued on to their booth.

Emmett and Nessie both glared at their backs before bending down to pick them up. "What a dufus," Daniel muttered to her friends, but Emmett and Nessie both heard. Emmett froze in place as one of his memories from his human life came flashing back to him.

_-Flashback-_

_An eight year old Emmett was swinging at the park at his old house. He smiled as he got higher and higher up in the air, enjoying feeling the rush it gave him._

"_Hey McCarty!" the all too familiar voice of Rodney Jenkins, the school's bully, called as he and his group of friends walked up to the swings._

"_Hello Rodney," Emmett said through his teeth. His Mom would kill him if she heard he was mean to Rodney._

"_What are you doing?" he asked with a smirk._

"_I'm swinging on the swing. What does it look like I'm doing? The Macarena?" Emmett asked rolling his eyes._

_Rodney's eyes narrowed at the boy. "You're such a wimp McCarty, I bet you couldn't even jump off the swings," he said._

_Emmett thought for a second. He was swinging really high-probably the highest he's ever been. The ground's not that far away…_

"_Bet you I could," Emmett shot back._

"_Yeah right," Rodney said, his friends snickered behind him._

_Emmett locked his jaw and waited for the perfect moment when the swing was at his highest. He let go of the rusty chains and flew through the air, landing on his feet in the sand. "Hah!" he said triumphantly. He turned back around to smirk at Rodney only to find that he and his friends had taken over the swings, leaving none for Emmett. "Hey, I was on first!" Emmett exclaimed._

"_Who cares," Rodney said. "He's such a dufus," he muttered to his laughing friends._

_That was it. That's the last time Rodney Jenkins is messing with Emmett McCarty. He picked up a good sized rock out of the sand and flung it straight at Rodney, hitting him right in the forehead. Rodney yelped and tears began running down his cheeks as he clutched his red forehead. "Who's the dufus now?" Emmett mocked._

_-End Flashback-_

He glared at the girls. No one calls Emmett McCarty a dufus and gets away with it. No one. "Emmett, shh," Nessie whispered.

Emmett hadn't even realized he had been growling at the little eight year old girls who were setting up their own boxes of cookies. He stopped growling and quickly picked up the rest of the boxes and stacked them back up. "We're going to crush them," Emmett muttered.

………………………………................................................................................................

ONE HOUR LATER

"Hello, can I interest you in some Girl Scout cookies? I'm trying to help my niece win a bike," Emmett said smiling at the women who was just walking out of the store. Her eyes seemed to glaze over for a second but then she snapped out of it and smiled back.

"I'll take some Daisy Go Rounds," she said, taking out her purse.

"How many?" Nessie asked sweetly.

"Um…," she trailed off, trying to figure out how many she'd want in her head. Emmett shot her another dazzling smile and she blinked rapidly. "I'll take five boxes," she said.

"Thanks!" Nessie said, gathering the boxes in her hands. The women handed Emmett her money and gave him a wink before walking a way with her boxes of cookies.

Emmett looked down at the money and found a piece of paper with her phone number inside. Nessie snickered. "Aunt Rosie would kill her," she said looking at the women.

"Yeah she would," Emmett said, crumpling up the paper and throwing it away.

Nessie and Emmett both looked over at Daniel's booth just as she sold some cookies to some old man. "Thank you!" they heard her say as she smiled brightly at the old man. When he walked away Daniel made a face at the man's back and her friends laughed.

"What little-"

"Emmett," Nessie warned.

"Jeez, you're just like Esme," he grumbled.

"So, how many have you guys sold? Two?" Daniel called from her table.

"Try two thousand," Emmett shot back.

Nessie slapped her palm against her forehead. "You are such a liar," Daniel said confidently. "It doesn't matter how much you sell anyway, you can't beat us. We win every year and a couple of newbies aren't going to change that," she sneered.

"Oh really?" Emmett said as he stood up and walked casually toward their table. "And how many exactly have _you _girls sold?" he asked, looking at their table and counting the boxes in the time it took them too read their tally chart.

"One hundred and eleven," the blonde girl replied.

"Is that so?" he asked, walking back over to his and Nessie's booth. "How pathetic, we can totally beat that," Emmett muttered to Nessie. Emmett picked up a box of Caramel deLites and looked at it with a disgusted expression on his face. "I'll pay for this, okay?" Emmett said to Nessie as he opened the box.

"Emmett, what are you doing? You know you can't eat that," she whispered back.

"Who said I was going to eat it?" he asked as he took out a cookie and looked at it quickly. _Ew,_ he thought. _Who would want to eat this?_ Then he threw it at the back of Daniel's head.

"Ow!" the girl yelled, spinning around in her chair and grabbing the back of her head.

"Emmett!" Nessie whisper yelled.

"What the heck was that for?!" Daniel asked, glaring at Emmett.

"I'm sorry. I missed my mouth. Won't happen again," he said with an innocent smile. Daniel glared before turning back to her friends. Emmett threw another cookie.

"Hey!" Daniel yelled at him. "I thought you said it wouldn't happen again?" she sneered.

"I lied," he said with a shrug. Daniel let out a huff and looked away.

"Do it again and I'll ask Mom to arm wrestle you again," Nessie threatened.

Emmett scoffed. "I could beat _Bella_," he said with a wave of his hand.

Nessie quirked an eyebrow. "You didn't the last sixty-seven times," she reminded him.

Emmett narrowed his eyes at his niece. "You know how to play," he commented as Nessie smiled triumphantly.

………………………………................................................................................................

For the next two weeks Emmett and Nessie walked around Forks, and sat outside of stores to sell cookies-the same as Daniel and her friends. Finally the day came when they would find out if they won.

"Why couldn't I take Nessie to her meeting?" Emmett asked as he waited for Nessie and Bella to get back.

"Because the last time you went you almost took a snap at one of the girls," Edward said.

"She had a paper cut," Emmett mumbled.

Edward snorted. "_Sure_," he said with a smirk. Emmett just made a face at him. Stupid Edward and his mind reading powers. It's not like he _actually _bit Daniel-he didn't even get close. He just thought about it…

Finally Emmett heard the Volvo pull into the driveway and he could smell Bella and Nessie heading towards the house. He was practically bouncing up and down on the couch.

"Jeez Emmett, any more excited and you'll pee your pants," Jasper said as he sent calming waves towards Emmett.

"Vampires can't pee," Emmett said, rolling his eyes.

"As far as you know. Have you ever tried?" Jasper countered.

Emmett's eyes grew wide. "No. I haven't," he said in a slightly dazed tone. Jasper chuckled and he snapped out of it. Jerk was pulling his leg.

The front door burst open and Nessie ran straight into Emmett's arms. "We won! We won! We won!" she exclaimed excitedly. "We sold the most cookies!"

"Ha! In. Her. Face," Emmett said. "Did you get your bike?" Emmett asked.

"Yeah, want to see it?" she asked excitedly.

"Yeah. Let's go see it…"

………………………………................................................................................................

"Who's the dufus now?" Emmett called mockingly, honking the horn as he rode passed a furious Daniel on a cherry red bicycle.

**Hoped you liked that one. I thought it was pretty good myself. REVIEW! Let me know if you want these all just to be separate one shots or it you just want me to put all of them under the same story thing. **

**Next one shot:**

**Emmett Goes To Football Tryouts**

**Summary: when the Cullens go to a new school Emmett thinks it'll be fun to mess with the cocky jocks at his new school. It's not like he'll hurt anybody…or**_** will **_**he??**


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